Projected into His Arms

Last Thursday I cleverly decided it was time to test the Laws of Physics and Gravity. I hopped on my bicycle thrilled at the thought of getting some much needed exercise and fresh air. I took off like a bat out of "jail" and within 15 seconds (yes, I said seconds!), I was projected over my handle bars and landed face down on the street. Okay, here comes the humiliating part...the cord to my Ipod was dangling in front of me and I grabbed it with my right hand to throw it behind my back. That's when I was approaching a stop sign at a pretty decent speed. Since my right hand was occupied, you got it...I braked with my left hand causing my front tire to come to a screeching stop. Yes. It screeched. I flew. The bike landed on my back. And I laid there in utter disbelief. The following words playing over and over again in my head, "No way! This didn't just happen. Oh my gosh! I can't believe this just happened." After about a very long minute, I proceeded to untangle my shirt from the bicycle gears. The next 24 hours would be spent on a death-defying, highly volatile, emotional roller coaster. Imagine the worst, I mean the BEST roller coaster and then take it to the tenth power and you'll begin to get an idea of what my ride was like. Embarrassed. Angry. Humiliated. Angry. Sad. Really sad. Scared. Angry. Confused. Angry. Stupid. Angry. Depressed. Angry. Okay, I was mostly angry because I felt like this "should never have happened!" Internally, I pride myself on being extra cautious and successfully avoiding negative things from happening. Idol exposed. Someone very wise gently reminded me that "that's the nature of accidents". No one invites an accident into their lives. Truth is, accidents happen. The question becomes, "How do we handle the accidents when they happen?" "How do we respond?" "What comes out of us when we're squeezed?" "What do we do when things don't go as we planned they should go?" Good questions. Scary questions. It really frightened me when I experienced the vehement anger directed at myself. It was ugly. Every time I thought of my accident I was instantly filled with feelings of self-contempt. I even seriously considered embellishing (lying) about the details to make it sound like it wasn't my fault! So, with my sinful, angry, vile heart exposed I turned to my Grace-lavisher. In His arms my heart was melted. He is truly amazing. Words fall short in describing our always inviting, totally loving, faithfully forgiving, wonderfully patient God. He knows me. He understands me. He always knows just what I need. A good dose of Him.

Welcome, welcome one and all!

Ciao! How wonderful to see that you dropped in to browse. Kick off your reefs. Let down your hair. Share some of your thoughts, if you so desire. And I invite you to take a peek inside my heart. I hope you will feel at home in this spot. May God's peace cover you today.

...pondering the whole church thing...

God, where do You want me to go? Where are You calling me to invest myself and serve and learn from You? Where am I supposed to be connected? I want to experience freedom & life in my listening to You and in my choosing.

When I think of River of Life, I think, "Why not?". But then, I stop and think, "But why?". Is that where God intends to plant me? Is that where He desires for me to be? I don't want to go back to River of Life as a default church. I want to be intentional. I want to hear You, Lord. You called me out of River of Life, now it is You that must call me back to River of Life.

I know it's not about me. It's not about where I want to go, or what I like. I believe I will know what You want for me when I experience it. Even though I don't know what it is I'm searching for, I want to believe that God's Spirit will lead me. That I will listen. And that I will respond in reckless abandon & obedience. What I DO know is that City Pres left a huge void. I know that I still believe God has plans for the people He called together to create City Pres. I know that I desperately want to taste of what God purposed for us. I refuse to let it die. I can't deny the connection & the comraderie that is shared. But, God, I don't know how to pursue what You desire for us.

I know that it's two different things to be filled by God's Spirit and to be led by God's Spirit. I am reminded of how the Holy Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness. That wasn't the easy road. It doesn't make sense to feel led by God's Spirit to a hard place. Usually we assume You are in something when things turn out "good". Often times we are going on our definition of "good", which is extremely short-sighted. I want to be where You want me. I don't want to gravitate to convenient, easy or comfortable. The wilderness was NONE of these! God, maybe You have an inconvenient, difficult, uncomfortable place for me this season of my life. If so, I want that. As much as it scares me to say it, or write it. I know that Jesus was ministered to while He was in the desert.

As I file through the years that You have walked with me, I realize that it was in the dark, lonely, dry times that I leaned on You; that I hid myself in You; that I felt sheltered and protected and held by You. Father, I'm tired...but I know You are near. I feel Your breath on my neck. I can feel Your eyes penetrating me. I can almost hear Your gentle voice. Your words assuring me that I am not alone; that You are my Strength and my Joy, my Peace, my All. So, I choose to fall into You. I'm a mess. I don't know which way is up. I desperately want to shut down. Withdrawal beckons me to buy into the lie that "she" will offer me the relief I need. But I run to You, O Lord. I know that detaching myself has never delivered the promised results. I run to You, O Lord. You call me to stay engaged. To live in the moment. You invite me to fall upon You with all my fears, my distrust, my anxiety, my confusion, my ambivalence, my hurt...so I come.

God, I want to be a part of a body of believers that believe You for huge stuff. I mean HUGE! I want to dare to believe the impossible. I want my faith to be stretched like it's never been stretched before. I want to go deeper with You. Take me there. Whatever it may look like, I want to go. My life is Yours. Do with this life as You please. I want to be poured out for others. Holy Spirit, don't let me live a shallow, self-absorbed, stunted story. I hide myself in You. Be the bigger Story. Be magnified in my life, O God. It's all about You, God. Your glory. Your kingdom being established in me as it is in heaven. Holy Spirit, keep me from eclipsing what You are in the process of accomplishing. Keep me in my place...dependent, humble, faithful. Keep me ever mindful that I am to give away what You've given me.

I will trust even in the darkness, for You are my Light. You are my Hope. You are my Salvation. You save me over and over and over again. Even from myself.