Glimpses of Cilla

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Projected into His Arms

Last Thursday I cleverly decided it was time to test the Laws of Physics and Gravity. I hopped on my bicycle thrilled at the thought of getting some much needed exercise and fresh air. I took off like a bat out of "jail" and within 15 seconds (yes, I said seconds!), I was projected over my handle bars and landed face down on the street. Okay, here comes the humiliating part...the cord to my Ipod was dangling in front of me and I grabbed it with my right hand to throw it behind my back. That's when I was approaching a stop sign at a pretty decent speed. Since my right hand was occupied, you got it...I braked with my left hand causing my front tire to come to a screeching stop. Yes. It screeched. I flew. The bike landed on my back. And I laid there in utter disbelief. The following words playing over and over again in my head, "No way! This didn't just happen. Oh my gosh! I can't believe this just happened." After about a very long minute, I proceeded to untangle my shirt from the bicycle gears. The next 24 hours would be spent on a death-defying, highly volatile, emotional roller coaster. Imagine the worst, I mean the BEST roller coaster and then take it to the tenth power and you'll begin to get an idea of what my ride was like. Embarrassed. Angry. Humiliated. Angry. Sad. Really sad. Scared. Angry. Confused. Angry. Stupid. Angry. Depressed. Angry. Okay, I was mostly angry because I felt like this "should never have happened!" Internally, I pride myself on being extra cautious and successfully avoiding negative things from happening. Idol exposed. Someone very wise gently reminded me that "that's the nature of accidents". No one invites an accident into their lives. Truth is, accidents happen. The question becomes, "How do we handle the accidents when they happen?" "How do we respond?" "What comes out of us when we're squeezed?" "What do we do when things don't go as we planned they should go?" Good questions. Scary questions. It really frightened me when I experienced the vehement anger directed at myself. It was ugly. Every time I thought of my accident I was instantly filled with feelings of self-contempt. I even seriously considered embellishing (lying) about the details to make it sound like it wasn't my fault! So, with my sinful, angry, vile heart exposed I turned to my Grace-lavisher. In His arms my heart was melted. He is truly amazing. Words fall short in describing our always inviting, totally loving, faithfully forgiving, wonderfully patient God. He knows me. He understands me. He always knows just what I need. A good dose of Him.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG!! How are you??? What an experience!! I am just as shocked as you were that this would happen to such an extremely careful person. It seems that you have been 'volunteered' for a change in your life huh??? I know what you're going through. The anger issue is such a common one, I'm finding out. Being angry at yourself will not bear any good fruit, my friend. God has a way of exposing us (for our good of course) so that we can deal with our stuff. Dr. Phil/Mark :) "you can't change what you can't or won't acknowledge" And it always comes back to the control issue that you and I have discussed at length!!! This is just a reminder that we are not and He is!!! Accidents/Life Lessons happen. My prayers are out there already for you, speedy recovery. I love you much!!!
RL

ps - how is your ipod :)

8/06/2006 7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

C,
So good to read through your honesty. Helps me identify where my heart is. I think it is overwhelmed and buried beneath the fear and pressures of life. Thanks for putting your heart on paper for us to see. Love, M

8/07/2006 1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dancing,
You know that for God this "accident" wasn't an accident. He needed(wanted) to expose some stuff. I wish that I didn't hide behind so much of myself so that He wouldn't have to take it into His own hands...then again it reminds me how safe it is in His hands...no better place to be. So all this to say, "Thank you Father for 'accidents'".
Love you,
Resting

8/15/2006 12:15 PM  

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