...pondering the whole church thing...

God, where do You want me to go? Where are You calling me to invest myself and serve and learn from You? Where am I supposed to be connected? I want to experience freedom & life in my listening to You and in my choosing.

When I think of River of Life, I think, "Why not?". But then, I stop and think, "But why?". Is that where God intends to plant me? Is that where He desires for me to be? I don't want to go back to River of Life as a default church. I want to be intentional. I want to hear You, Lord. You called me out of River of Life, now it is You that must call me back to River of Life.

I know it's not about me. It's not about where I want to go, or what I like. I believe I will know what You want for me when I experience it. Even though I don't know what it is I'm searching for, I want to believe that God's Spirit will lead me. That I will listen. And that I will respond in reckless abandon & obedience. What I DO know is that City Pres left a huge void. I know that I still believe God has plans for the people He called together to create City Pres. I know that I desperately want to taste of what God purposed for us. I refuse to let it die. I can't deny the connection & the comraderie that is shared. But, God, I don't know how to pursue what You desire for us.

I know that it's two different things to be filled by God's Spirit and to be led by God's Spirit. I am reminded of how the Holy Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness. That wasn't the easy road. It doesn't make sense to feel led by God's Spirit to a hard place. Usually we assume You are in something when things turn out "good". Often times we are going on our definition of "good", which is extremely short-sighted. I want to be where You want me. I don't want to gravitate to convenient, easy or comfortable. The wilderness was NONE of these! God, maybe You have an inconvenient, difficult, uncomfortable place for me this season of my life. If so, I want that. As much as it scares me to say it, or write it. I know that Jesus was ministered to while He was in the desert.

As I file through the years that You have walked with me, I realize that it was in the dark, lonely, dry times that I leaned on You; that I hid myself in You; that I felt sheltered and protected and held by You. Father, I'm tired...but I know You are near. I feel Your breath on my neck. I can feel Your eyes penetrating me. I can almost hear Your gentle voice. Your words assuring me that I am not alone; that You are my Strength and my Joy, my Peace, my All. So, I choose to fall into You. I'm a mess. I don't know which way is up. I desperately want to shut down. Withdrawal beckons me to buy into the lie that "she" will offer me the relief I need. But I run to You, O Lord. I know that detaching myself has never delivered the promised results. I run to You, O Lord. You call me to stay engaged. To live in the moment. You invite me to fall upon You with all my fears, my distrust, my anxiety, my confusion, my ambivalence, my hurt...so I come.

God, I want to be a part of a body of believers that believe You for huge stuff. I mean HUGE! I want to dare to believe the impossible. I want my faith to be stretched like it's never been stretched before. I want to go deeper with You. Take me there. Whatever it may look like, I want to go. My life is Yours. Do with this life as You please. I want to be poured out for others. Holy Spirit, don't let me live a shallow, self-absorbed, stunted story. I hide myself in You. Be the bigger Story. Be magnified in my life, O God. It's all about You, God. Your glory. Your kingdom being established in me as it is in heaven. Holy Spirit, keep me from eclipsing what You are in the process of accomplishing. Keep me in my place...dependent, humble, faithful. Keep me ever mindful that I am to give away what You've given me.

I will trust even in the darkness, for You are my Light. You are my Hope. You are my Salvation. You save me over and over and over again. Even from myself.